HERE ARE SOME MORE TIPS TO EAT FUCKING FANTASTIC FOOD ON A LOW BUDGET!
MAKE YOUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING BREAD
EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THOSE NUMBER-LOVING ASSHOLES, BASIC STUFF SHOULD BE COMMON SENSE. LET ME LAY DOWN SOME FACTS AND YOU SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE MAGIC CARPET RIDE!
A LOAF OF WHITE BREAD AT WALMART COSTS ~ $1.50
THAT SHIT’S FULL OF WEIRD BULLSHIT AND PRESERVATIVES AND REALLY DOESN’T TASTE LIKE ANYTHING.
A 25-LB POUND OF FLOUR COSTS $11
A BOTTLE OF YEASTS COSTS $5
A 10-LB BAG OF SUGAR COSTS $6
THAT SHIT ADDS UP TO $22! PROBABLY EVEN LESS, BECAUSE I ROUNDED ALL THE PRICES UP!
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH BREAD THAT MAKES? MAYBE YOU CAN DO THAT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD, BUT I HAD TO USE A DRAGONSBLOOD FOUNTAIN PEN AND PARCHMENT.
1 cup = ~5oz
25lb = 400 oz
25lb of flour = 80 cups
~4 cups of flour per large loaf = 20 loaves
THAT’S 20 HOME-MADE, WARM, FLUFFY, PERFECTLY CRUSTED, HEALTHY AS FUCK LOAVES OF BREAD, FOR LESS THAN 22 DOLLARS!
THATS $1.10 PER LOAF!
THAT PRICE WILL DECREASE IN THE FUTURE, SINCE YOU ALREADY HAVE THE YEAST AND THAT SHIT LASTS FOR FUCKING EVER! (REMEMBER TO REFRIGERATE, THOUGH! WE DON’T WANT THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS TO START PARTYING WITHOUT PERMISSION)
YOU KNOW HOW EASY BREAD IS TO MAKE?
FUCKING EASY!
NOT ONLY IS IT FUCKING EASY, BUT YOU CAN SHOVE SHIT IN THERE LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE!
WANT A SWEET, FRUITY BREAD? MASH UP SOME RASPBERRIES INTO IT, AND USE APPLE JUICE INSTEAD OF WATER! JESUS FUCK THAT’S SO EASY I COULD VOMIT RAINBOWS.
WANT A DESSERT-LIKE BREAD? ADD SOME CHOCOLATE CHIPS! ROLL THE DOUGH OUT AND SMEAR SOME PEANUT BUTTER INSIDE, THEN ROLL IT BACK UP BEFORE DROP-KICKING IT INTO THE OVEN.
HOLY FUCK, JUST LAST WEEK I THREW SOME MINCED GARLIC INSIDE, AND SPRINKLED GARLIC ON TOP BEFORE BAKING, AND MY BREAD TURNED OUT TO BE THE MOST DELECTABLE GARLIC BREAD I’VE EVER SHOVED IN MY FACE!
IT’S CHEAPER AND HEALTHIER FOR YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN BREAD.
GLUTEN INTOLERANT PEOPLE? USE FUCKING RICE FLOUR! GLUTEN JUST GIVES THE YEAST SOME EXTRA SHIT TO EAT. REPLACE THEIR FOOD SOURCE WITH SUGAR AND MAYBE OLIVE OIL OR BUTTER, AND THEY’RE HAPPY LITTLE FUCKERS.
I THINK IT’S A BIT DULL IN FLAVOR, SO ADD SOME OTHER SHIT LIKE FRUIT OR GARLIC OR HELL I DON’T KNOW MAYBE YOU LOVE NUTELLA.
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POTATOES ARE QUEEN. PRAISE HER. WORSHIP HER.
ALL YOU ASSHOLES SAYING ‘I AM A POTATO’ BETTER CHEER THE FUCK UP, BECAUSE POTATOES ARE SO RAD MY HEAD EXPLODES TRYING TO INTAKE ALL OF THEIR MAJESTY.
YOU CAN’T LIVE OFF POTATOES ALONE, BUT YOU CAN COME DAMN CLOSE!
POTATOES ARE FUCKING CHEAP, AND RIDICULOUSLY EASY TO COOK!
BOIL ‘EM, MASH ‘EM, STICK ‘EM IN A STEW. YOU CAN ROAST, BROIL, IF THERE’S A METHOD OF COOKING, YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS THERE’S A WAY TO COOK POTATOES THAT WAY.
APPLY HEAT UNTIL THEY’RE BROWNED, MUSHY, AND HAVEN’T STARTED TO BURN YET, AND YOU’RE SET.
IF YOU USE WATER TO COOK THEM, THEY WON’T TURN BROWN, JUST TEST HOW MUSHY AND COOKED-POTATO-LIKE THEY ARE IN YOUR MOUTH.
TRUST ME, RAW POTATOES HAVE A CERTAIN TASTE.
THEY AIN’T NASTY, THEY’RE PRECIOUS.
A 10-POUND BAG OF POTATOES COSTS $5
FRUITS AND VEGGIES
YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME?
BACK THE FUCK OFF MATE, EVEN YOUNG ASSHOLES WITH YOUR FOOD-DISPOSAL-LIKE INNARDS NEED SOME HEALTHY SHIT. PIZZA AND RAMEN ALONE WILL FUCK UP YOUR DIGESTION, AND WHEN YOU GET OLDER, YOU’LL BE LIKE “WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT TO MYSELF?”
PLUS, ASSHOLES THAT CAN COOK FANCY SHIT CAN LAUGH BEHIND THEIR HANDS ABOUT HOW CHEAP IT WAS TO MAKE, WHILE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE MARVELING ABOUT HOW FUCKING RICH YOU MUST BE TO AFFORD GORMET-LOOKING HOME-COOKED MEALS.
LOOK FOR SEASONAL SHIT THAT’S ON SALE BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS WAY TOO GODDAMN MUCH OF IT!
IT’S SUMMER WHERE I LIVE, SO FUCKING EVERYTHING IS HELLA CHEAPER THAN NORMAL.
MELONS ARE MASSIVE. SAVE THE UNEATEN PART IN PLASTIC WRAP.
INVEST IN SOME FOOD STORAGE CONTAINERS.
ZIPLOCK IS AWESOME. OFF-BRAND ZIPLOCK-LIKE THINGS ARE ALSO AWESOME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO EVERY NIGHT? I FIRE UP MY RICE MAKER, MAKE A 1/2 CUP OF RICE IN THAT BABY, AND ABOUT 2 MINUTES BEFORE THE RICE IS TOTALLY DONE, I THROW IN A PORTION OF THE LEFTOVER CRACK BEANS AND LET IT COOK ALONGSIDE THE RICE.
THE RICE GETS ALL THE BACON TASTE AND THE MEAL JUST DOUBLED IN SIZE, HOLY FUCK!
GOT SOME NICELY-SAUCED CHICKEN? THROW IT IN WITH THE RICE!
RICE CAN BE PART OF ANY GODDAMN MEAL YOU CAN THINK OF.
A RICE COOKER OR CROCK POT IS SERIOUSLY ONE OF THE BEST THINGS TO HAVE AS A POOR-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.
STEWS, FRIED OR BOILED ANYTHING, FUCK, I HEATED UP SOME PIZZA ROLLS IN MY RICE COOKER LAST MONTH.
(IF YOU COULDN’T TELL, I DON’T HAVE A OVEN OR MICROWAVE RIGHT NOW. MY RICE COOKER IS MY SALVATION. IT WAS A 25$ CHEAP-ASS THING, ON SALE FOR $17 BECAUSE THE PACKAGING WAS DAMAGED.)
SPEAKING OF DAMAGED PACKAGING, THERE ARE PLACES YOU CAN BUY SHIT AT 50 OR 75 PERCENT OFF JUST BECAUSE THE DAMN PACKAGING IS DAMAGED! EVERYTHING INSIDE IS STILL FUCKING PERFECT!
EMBRACE THE SALVAGE STORE.
GIVE IT AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG HUG TO SHOW YOUR GRATITUDE.
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS? FUCK IF I KNOW. PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE ‘RICE, BEANS AND POTATOES ARE RIDICULOUSLY INEXPENSIVE AND CAN BE MADE DELICIOUS.’ AND ‘MAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN BREAD’